I started working out again for my sex life. I don’t like being on my stomach and seeing a gut. I like my full stomach in my bed on Sundays alone, but for sex, it doesn’t put me in the mood. Call it vanity. I always have some reservation about the gym. Honestly, I have a fear of getting too physically fit. I think there is something psychological when one gets really fit that they can’t keep their clothes on. I also don’t want to be harassed when the body becomes a target for lusting homosexuals. Some people just don’t know boundaries. Also, since I do have a sexual addiction, and feeling too sexy will make me want to have more sex than I already have and I need to keep my job. Sex addicts can’t be prostitutes because it takes the fun out of the hunt or destruction. If I got paid, then sex would become practical. It’s complicated with sex addicts. It’s not about the sex, it’s about the greed. All addictions are rooted in some level of greed.
I got that weight monkey on my back. As a former failed model and actor, my weight has always been torment for me. I couldn’t hang with being a model. I don’t have the natural body frame. I am southern boy, plantation field genes that makes my ass plumped, legs thick, and not some skinny white boy in a Calvin Klein ad. I also like to eat. I remember being 18 years old, and every time I would go to the agency that bitch would weigh me and tell me to lose ten more pounds. I was already 5’11 and a hundred fifty pounds. I already lost like thirty pounds. I was only eating carrots and working out like two hours a day. I have no idea where I got the energy. My resident assistant even did an intervention when he started realizing was I was becoming anorexic. My roommate told on me. Finally I had a breakdown. I wasn’t getting any work because bitches would tell me I was too dark or too urban or something. I got a couple of commercials, but nothing significant. I finally realized it just wasn’t going to happen so that night I gorged ten McDonald burgers. In the next two years I would go from 150 to 220. Yes, I went to the extreme. It wasn’t until I felt my ass and belly jiggle as I walked down the hall that I decided maybe I needed to lose some weight. I was a fat kid, so I think for the rest of my adult life I will always have the weight issue and being gay doesn’t help. I go back and forth with my weight. I still struggle with anorexia, that is mentally. When I developed that drug habit, it was so easy to not eat because I was never hungry. The only problem was the drugs. I don’t have that demon anymore, thank god. That will be another subject for another day.
So I am back at the gym because I feel I’ve struck a good balance and peace with my weight. I’m giving up the twink years, size 28-31. When I’m naked, I let to feel sexy and I’m not talking about mentally sexy, but physical. It’s funny; guys I’m attracted to aren’t usually fit. My ex started off really thin but ended up gaining like eighty pounds. I still liked his belly but I could never let that happen to myself. I don’t care what other people do with their bodies. I sometimes like a heavy guy because they really know how to suck a dick and eat ass like licking the BBQ sauce off some ribs. I don’t like really skinny guys are too muscular. I definitely don’t find body builders sexy. I have no desire to fuck a rock. I honestly like a guy who if I am having sex with I know if we get into a fight afterwards I probably could take him. It must be a good fight, not where I can clearly win or clearly lose, just right. Call me Goldie locks.
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